A few weeks ago I came very close to drowning myself. The emotional pain was so overwhelming I was in the lake before I even realized it. I subsequently went home and self harmed. So my trauma therapist put me on a Contract for Survival. Basically I contracted with myself to in no harm my person.
My word is my bond. If you matter enough to me I to give you my word I will go to whatever lengths necessary to keep it. And therein lies the rub. The contract isn’t with her. It’s with me. And I don’t set my life at a pins fee. So where does that leave me. Stuck in a kind of limbo. And nights like tonight… Well… the struggle is real.
When the heart weeps
Yet no tears come
When words won’t come
And all that is left
Is an unnameable
Something
That begs release
Escape
A way out
From the too too much
That cannot be
Identified
How does one
Find release
From what one does not
Recognize
Except to let it out
In blood
And pain
Descent Rising 
I’m glad you made the contract, but I’m so sorry you are hurting right now. I don’t know you, but you matter to me, and I will keep you in my thoughts.
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Thanks. I’ll be ok. It’s just time.
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