Twenty-seven years ago what was left of my innocence was torn asunder. Easy pickings that begat an unhealthy relationship that ended when I got too old.  One week shy of my 18th birthday. Every few months I go through a few nights of flashback hell.  Sometimes the trigger is obvious,  such as anniversaries,  but other times,  I’m blindsided.  

I’m coming to terms with the fact that I did nothing wrong,  that I was not to blame.  It has not been an easy lesson to learn. 

No matter
That I looked older
No matter
That I seemed older
No matter
That I was
In a lot of ways

I was still a child
And what was done
Was done to a child
How does that
Change anything?
And if it does
Does it change
Everything I did?

Was it love?
Could it be love?
Or something
More sinister

No matter

No matter

Words to describe
Actions to
Seduce a child

Which I was
In all the ways
That mattered

4 thoughts on “Flashback Hell

  1. Definitely not to blame.
    Was wondering I could include this post/poem (and you are welcome to submit an entry) for a book I’m working on about sexual assault?
    My mum was assaulted recently and has an amazing story that inspired us to put a book together of accounts of survivors of sexual assault. We want to stop this being a taboo subject so not one person will feel like they have to hide.
    We’re seeking stories, poems, letters, interviews, artwork to do with people’s experiences of assault and yours would be so great to include. You can be anonymous or we can include your name, age and country. Copyright stays with you and all contributors receive a complimentary copy of the pdf version. ebooks and hopefully print books will be available for sale.
    Let me know what you think. For more info, check out this post:
    Look forward to hearing from you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. i feel so much of what your write myself.. its is comforting to know others feel and think the same as me, but horrible at the same time that others have had to live things that make them think and feel the same as i do..


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