The Inherent Dichotomy of Co-Morbidity

It’s a crazy thing, to be hypomanic and still be suffering the effects of C-PTSD. Complex or chronic post traumatic stress disorder. Mixed with cyclothemic bipolar renders all states crazy. I’m currently on my way out of months of depression, a few days in a mixed state, into full blown hypomania. Yet the Darkness is never far away. I can be flying high, enjoying the state, working on my novel, writing poetry, even basically things like cleaning, which, by the way, are much more fun when you’re manic. Everyday tasks are almost a joy, since I’m so scattered I’m not even sure what I’m doing. (Like using a glue stick instead of lip balm, but I digress, that’s a story for another day). Where was I, oh ya, even in the midst of joy, where the sun is shining, (well, it’s raining and gray, but it’s shining in my heart for once) and I can smile. When Bang! Out of the great blue yonder comes a flashback. When I’m depressed, they drop me even deeper into the Pit, down into the Abyss of suicidal despair. In a mixed or hypo/manic state, they leave me edgy, restless, ill-at-ease, frightened. Which transmutes into Irritability. Hyper and irritable. Sucks. And leaves me feeling

Broken

Haunted eyes
Hollow and empty
Of naught but fear

Another sleepless night
Or dreams filled with terror
The power you still have
Over me
So many years later

Remnants return
Out of nothing
And your hands
Your cologne
The weight of your body
Memory returns

Physical

Emotional

Love is earned
Only through pain
Subservience

Lessons I learned
So very well
Shaped the core
Of who I am

Broken

Tarnished

And yet a small crumb of solace, the suicidal ideation is at bay, and while being edgy and restless isn’t great, it is infinitely better than being outright suicidal and knowing you can never act on that desire because you don’t want your kids as fucked up as you are.

So have a great weekend all, and play safe.

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4 thoughts on “The Inherent Dichotomy of Co-Morbidity

  1. I have a similar experience. I have frequent flashbacks lately about some traumatic things that happened recently. I can be content, enjoying myself and then out of no where a trigger sets off and I have a full fledge horror movie clip from my life playing in my head. It’s tormenting. It’s so unexpected and sudden, right when my guards are down. And when I’m depressed I have them too. A bit less unexpected then though. I hope yours get better!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Have you tried throwing the flashback on the wall, like a movie, and shrinking it down to nothing? You’re the projectionist and you can switch the film playing. Sometimes. It takes practice and isn’t always 100% effective, but it’s worth a shot.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi there! This is my 1st comment here so I just wanted
    to give a quick shout out and tell you I genuinely enjoy reading through your
    articles. Can you recommend any other blogs/websites/forums that cover the same subjects?
    Thank you!

    Like

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