It’s been a difficult couple of days. Completely lost it with my therapist yesterday. I had such an overwhelming somatic flashback that I couldn’t speak. For at least 30 minutes, if not longer. I know this is approximate, as my appointment was supposed to finish at 2:00 and I didn’t get out of there until 2:40. It was as though my young self hijacked my being and was so lost she couldn’t speak. Couldn’t articulate how lost and hurt and sad she was. I’m still struggling with my words over 24 hours later. And with connection. I feel completely detached from everything and everyone. I do feel some relief that the kids are at their dad’s this week, so I don’t have to fake feeling anything but numb.
This disconnect is disconcerting. Touch is nigh impossible to feel. And when I do feel it, it feels weird. As though there’s a barrier between my skin and the rest of the world. My homework this week is to stay present and connected: when I hug a friend, let myself feel the hug. To stop living from the neck up, as my therapist says. Easier said than done, my friend. Easier said than done.
My Feldenkrais practitioner, Fariya, taught me to gently rub my fingers in a corkscrew motion. This helps in grounding. Fingers are very ennervated, so they are very sensitive. But it feels… odd… to me. Touching myself in any way is foreign. I am an alien nation unto myself. Vera, my therapist, aims to change that. So much to work on, she says. Even after the trauma stuff is sorted out, there’s my borderline eating disorder, my gender/body issues, my self-hatred. As we work on the trauma, the other pieces will slowly fall into place, but I believe they are going to need to be addressed individually, once stability has been achieved. If. No, when. Positive thinking is a must. It’s so hard to, today. Today, I even went out and bought a pack of smokes. Something I haven’t done since Christmas.
Today feels like a day to stay in bed and wish for death to come upon me. Instead, I am out at my friend’s cafe, eating poutine. Reaching out. Keeping safe where I am loved. Not isolating. Which is all I want to do. Vera would be proud.