Working on my poetry collection the past few nights. It’s difficult to read some of the things I wrote in the depths of my despair; to remember just how deep The Pit was, and how beckoning The Abyss is. To crawl into bed and never come out. I’ve been dealing with not being present for over a month. My brains way of dealing with it is to retreat into sleep. Being on my own today proved just how real the struggle is. I fell asleep last night around 1 am. Not too bad. Woke up at 1 pm. I slept for twelve hours, than took a three hour nap early this evening. Crazy.
Yesterday I started working on the set of poems based on my sexual assaults. Probably not the best time to work on that particular set, but I tend to push myself against my own best interests. Maybe that’s part of why I needed to sleep so much. Processing the difficulties in staying present. Processing some of the memories. I’ve been re-living a lot of the memories. Not so sure about processing them. EMDR has been on hold for months again. Until I can stay stable and present, no EMDR. And it’s been getting harder and harder to not zone out. To not shut down. Even when with my kids. And that is the saddest thing.