I had a major epiphany this weekend. Life-changing, send my world on it’s head epiphany. Fifteen year old me, trapped in an abusive relationship with a 32 year old man. Very abusive. At seventeen, when he removed my collar, he told me I was “too old. I have nothing left to teach you”. I’ve spent twenty-eight years feeling rejected, broken, not good enough. But then I had a thought, ‘what if I look at his uncollaring me as freeing me, instead of rejecting me’? Which opened up the flood gates. He always called me a Brat, which is a type of submissive in the BDSM community. Which, I have to admit, I am. Always have been, and likely always will be. Now here’s where things get crazy: what if he released me, not because he was feeling altruistic, but because he couldn’t break me. What if I broke him?
He could never beat the mouthy out. I always maintained that little spark of me. I remember the way his wife was: never spoke, never looked up, never complained. I don’t even remember her name. That is what he wanted from me. Complete odedience. My dad tried to beat that into me till I was eighteen. He didn’t fair any better.
I was sharing my new found outlook with my best friend, Jen. And her reply was priceless, “You broke a paedophile!” Which made me happier than it should have.
And on that note, good night.